Real World Porn

I have two questions on my mind tonight. First, if you write a blog and no one reads it, is it just a diary? The second is a much more serious question. I was watching the most recent episode of The Real World Cancun. Jonna had sex with her soon to be ex-boyfriend, Bronne had sex with an alleged "playmate", Joey had sex with another in a long line of random skanks, Derek had sex with a man-whore, not that there's anything wrong with that, and Jasmine couldn't even get laid by the world's lamest Canadian DJ. There is a point to this recap of the worlds sluttiest housemates. This all took place in one episode of one season of Real World, and it was all caught on night vision tape.

How is it possible that after 20+ seasons of Real World, Road Rules, and Challenges there has not been one leaked sex tape. Not one disgruntled MTV editor who managed to sneak out some footage of Trischell or Johanna getting down. It's almost inconceivable. Its not that I really think that America needs a Jonna sex tape, but I know I'd watch it. So here's to hoping that some 23 year old editor at MTV gets drunk one night after getting downsized and scores us some footage. Just please, nothing with Shauvon, no one wants to see that.

Reality Bites...

What is our country's obsession with watching the worst that humanity has to offer on tv? I'll be the first to admit that I love awful reality shows. I've watched just about every season of Real World that MTV could throw at me. But the same way that MTV gave us Real World New York 22 seasons ago and gave birth to reality tv as we know it, they also gave us Laguna Beach and spawned this current deformed off shoot of reality programming that is the most disturbing growth since Quato from Total Recall.

There is no denying that people on shows like the Real World, the Bachelor, and Big Brother are not best that our society has to offer (i'm excluding "talent" based reality shows like American Idol, Top Chef and Project Runway from the conversation for the moment because that's a whole different animal). Most of the time the people who are casted in these shows are not bright, are extreemly promiscuous, have very short irrational tempers and are all craving some level of fame. These are clearly the reasons that they are cast. However, even with all their flaws those of us who enjoy these shows still find a way to relate to them in some small manner or at least take an interest in their ridiculousness. That's why we watch. Every once in a while someone will pop up who you would consider a "villain". Someone intolerable who you just want to see punched in the face every time he or she is on the screen. Johnny Fair Play, Puck, Jason Mesnick. But these characters were the exception and not the rule.

Then came Laguna Beach. Much like the first season of Real World, this show was a game changer. All of a sudden someone in a production office realized that Johnny Fair Play was the guy everyone was talking about. They realized that being hated in America is much more lucrative then being loved. So here was MTV with a show called Laguna Beach full of "villains". Where we use to have a cast of not-so-intelligent party animals, now we get a cast of spoiled, entitled, not-so-intelligent douche bags. And like a Hollywood snow ball, as soon as one person has an idea that works everyone else tries to recreate it and take it one step further.

So Laguna Beach spun off into The Hills, which gave us uber-celebra-douches Hedi and Spenser. Which lead to the Princes of Malibu, and My Super Sweet 16. Then we got the Real Housewives of every suburb this side of French Lick. And once those shows took off the flood gates opened.

Tonight I watched an episode of NYC Prep. A reality show about 15 to 18 year old kids who's parents are insanely rich. These kids grew up and go to private school on the upper east side of Manhattan. In the first episode one of the girls was shopping for a dress and started talking with the shop keeper about how much she hates the show Gossip Girl because the show had made the places that she liked to hang out so popular. The girl then waited for validation of the shop keeper telling her that she is the "real gossip girl", which of course the clerk provided.

NYC Prep...

They all talk constantly about how rich they are, how they are better then the people around them, and how they spend their money. One of the guys who is only 17 spends every second of air time talking about how he only wants to hook up with lots of girls, just because he can. And even though there is only a two year age difference there is something creepy about watching this kid talk over and over again about how much he wants to use and discard these 15 year old girls (who look like they could pass for 13). One girl who goes to public school is obsessed with becoming friends with the rich kids at the private school. Another girl who is only 16 lives in a huge condo in Manhattan alone with her brother while her parents live in the Hamptons (over an hour away for those of you who aren't new yorkers). And finally the "lead male" on the show just walks around talking about himself all the time. That doesn't sound that bad, but I couldn't even do it justice by trying to explain it, so let's just hope that you never have to fully understand the level of his egomania.

These kids are really the worst that our culture has to offer, and they are only getting more validation that their stank disgusting attitudes are acceptable by being on tv. It wasn't even an enjoyable show for me to watch because I found myself frustrated and annoyed at every self important thing that they said. Am I the only person out there who prefers my reality "stars" goofy and dim, yet somewhat likable to this new brand of character that you can't help but hate? I'm not saying I've liked everyone every to be on Real World but at least 90% of them straddle the line of human decency. You can't find one redeeming quality in the whole cast of these new shows, and that is clearly what the producers feel we want to see. Hopefully, the revolution will start soon and the pendulum will swing back in the other direction. Then again, I just saw a commercial for a new show called "Miami Social" on Bravo so maybe I shouldn't hold my breath. At least this time i've learned my lesson and this time I will not be watching.

Miami Social...

T.Oh no you didn't......

So tonight ABC broke out another retread of an old show, The Superstars. The premise is that they bring 8 celebrities and 8 athletes to the Bahamas and pair them up in teams of two. One celebrity and one athlete per team. Then they make them compete is crazy events. Obviously I was going to watch.

The teams are, Terrell Owens & supermodel Joanna Krupa; major league dick head Jeff Kent & ex-Doritos spokes girl Ali Landry; Big Shot Bob Horry & Estella Warren who you might remember from Planet of the Apes and then from nothing else after that; Profession Alcoholic skier Bode Miller & Paige Hemmis who I think is from one of the Extreme Makeover shows; token hot x-games skier Kristi Leskinen & and the dude Maks from dancing with the stars; Lisa Leslie & Dan Cortese from MTV Sports fame (Eric Nies wasn't available?); Jennifer Capriati & David Charvet who was like the fourth lead on Baywatch's last season; and finally Brandi Chastain and Julio Iglesias Jr.

I don't even know where to being. But let's start with the fact that i'm 40 mins into the show and I just had to google Dan Cortese (pronounced Cor-tess-see) to see if he's a different guy then Dan Cortese (pronounced Cor-tez). When did this dumb ass change the way people say his name? Is that so he can leave the shame of MTV sports behind and embark on his new respectable career on the superstars?

Second, I'd like to take a vote on which team has the least athletic athlete and the least famous celebrity. Personally, I think its team Capriati/Charvet and I don't even think second place is close.

So far Brandi Chastain has not worn her "superstars jersey" yet, she has done everything in her sports bra. I know that's pretty much the only thing she is famous for, but she is really beating a dead horse at this point.

After the first race Bode Miller said he was so exhausted that he had to throw up in the bushes. I would bet a years salary that vomit was as much alcohol induced as it was from the heat. He was out getting drunk the night before the Olympics which he trained his whole life for, is there any chance he didn't get hammered in the Bahama's the night before the taping of Superstars?

In one of the greatest tv moments i've ever seen the first heat of the obstacle course pits team Capriati/Charvet against TO and his "supermodel". The men run the course first and as soon as they cross the finish the women start. TO proceeds to get his foot tangled in the cargo net for a good minute at least giving Capriati a huge head start over TO's random model partner. She almost catches up due entirely to Capriati's lack of athleticism but loses by a few seconds. At which point she begins to berate TO who tries to give her a high five and say "good job". Some of the quotes that come out of bitchy super model's mouth include, "Unbelievable", "I don't want a teammate like that, he calls himself an athlete?", "What does he get a million dollars for", and finally after he says "let's go" to her, she replies, "no let's go!! you're the one who fucked up, we could have won." She said all this right to TO's face. Then in a huge upset TO and the superbitch lose in the elimination round of the obstacle course to Cortese and Leslie. Afterwards the insanity of the supermodel takes over and she refuses to shake any one's hand or be interviewed, and as she and TO walk away, she undresses him again asking him why he is so cocky since he pretty much sucks. Finally, TO gives his only return shot of the night saying, "I feel bad for your boyfriend". I guess now he knows what it's like to have an unsupportive teammate who only cares about themselves.

Hot but evil....Joanna Krupa...

So that was the first episode. In my standard judgement for how good a show is, I fired off about ten texts during the show to buddies so that confirms that I was very entertained. The question is will they be able to keep people interested now that bitchy supermodel who no one has heard of and TO are gone? But there are about 5 really hot girls, tons of cheesey people who take themselves way too seriously, one very awkward WNBA player and by my count three sets of frosted tips. Those are all the ingredients I need to be back next week for more. Too bad TO will not be there with me.

I propose....

you let me guess how this one is going to go. They are forced to pretend that they like each other except they really hate each other. To keep the lie going they have to spend lots of time together which just enforced how much they hate each other at first, but then slowly they start to notice qualities in the other person that they really like. At one point Ryan looks across the room to see his cold as ice boss being sweet to his old mother from the commercials, and they make eye contact. Then Sandra Bullock does something mean to him to mess things up with about 20 mins left in the movie just to prove to herself that she is still the "tough as nails" career woman she always wanted to be. Then she self reflects, gets sad, makes a "grand gesture of love" (as Estelle II would say), he takes her back and they live happily ever after in love. Maybe throw in some kind of chase scene against the clock to stop a marriage or stop someone from getting on a plan, and a slow clap at some point just for good measure. Oh and a percocious kid. I haven't seen this movie, but what do you think? Am I close?

This speech is my recital...

So the other day I was talking about Fallon and how he is hit or miss. I watched the show again Tuesday night because I wanted to see Will Ferrell. As usual the monologue was painful and Fallon's written material sucked. But when he was just chatting with Mos Def, the musical act that night, they ended up busting out a few second of a clearly unscripted version of Run DMC's Tricky. I feel like Fallon would be funny if he was just hanging out at your apartment party with the Roots backing him up cracking jokes and watching TV. Can we get him on a show like that?

Check it out at 1:28....

I will WORK you Dawg!!!

Well another Real World/Road Rules Challenge came to an end last night. But really as far as I'm concerned it ended 40 mins into the first episode because the CT vs Adam brawl was the last interesting thing that happened this season. Granted that fight was epic, no doubt, but since then it's been a pretty boring Duel. Rachel is a lesbian, Dunbar is a dumb ass but pulled lots of chicks, Evan is two faced, blah blah blah.

Not helping to make anything more interested was the format for this challenge. Did we really need 20 mins each week listening to them working out the order for their list? However, MTV did manage to finish strong with their one hour follow up to the final last night, "The Shit They Should Have Shown". Just like the title suggests this hour of bonus never before seen footage was better then 95% of the stuff they actually showed this season.

A few thoughts...

1- There was no doubt Dunbar was on steroids before this special aired, however his super happy day camp balloon round face and acne break out has to be the smoking gun right?

2-Any time Paula talks about how much she is not in love with Dunbar it makes me laugh. She's like a cross between Lara Flynn Boyle in Wayne's World and Alicia Silverstone in The Crush but more insane. There is one clip from the out takes where she is begging him to say he likes her, "just say you like me, come on....just saaaaayyyyyy it. It's not going to hurt anybody"

3-Does anyone not like Isaac or not find him really funny? I'm a fan.

4-Apparently Aneesa and Rachel are the kind of lesbians who like to sleep with men (Dunbar and Evan respectively). I was under the impression that lesbians don't sleep with men.

5-The Nick Brown "its a movement" business cards. I don't even know where to begin. Possibly the funniest thing that came out of clip show. I'm glad that the other cast members made fun of him. I'm also glad that most of the guys don't take themselves too seriously. It makes it even funnier that apparently Nick Brown's movement was being a pussy, losing in one of the first weeks and then crying about it like a little bitch on the way out. Nick Brown, "I'm available"

Overall a dissapointing challenge season, following the worst Real Wolrd season since London. But my hopes are high for Cancun. How can that not be awesome, right? Pack your Penicillin, Real Wolrd is coming to Mexico!!

Let's all do the Sprain

I don't really know anyone who's a Jimmy Fallon fan. He was somewhat amusing in a few of his SNL sketches, if he could keep a straight face but he almost ruined the cowbell sketch by not being able to get out his one line. All his movies pretty much sucked except for Fever Pitch which was awesome...ly crappy. And if you've watched his late night show the monologues and a lot of his gimmicks are awful. However, he does have a few bright points. His interviews can be funny, and by all accounts he is a cool guy to hang out with, so a lot of the celebs who come on his show are actual friends of his and will mess around with him. Plus, one thing that i've always liked about him is that he is from the same generation as me (and I assume most of the people who would read anything I have to say) and he fully embraces that generation in all of its cheesy glory.

Case in point, Fallon has a running gag on his show where he is trying to work a reunion of all the Saved By the Bell cast members. You can tell that he was an actual fan of the show back in the day. Last night he had on Mark Paul Gosselaar and the results were hilarious and chalked full of old SBTB references. Check it out.... and bonus points to Gosselaar for being a good sport and not only playing along but hitting it out of the park.

Tonee, Toni, Tony has done it again

I watched the first 15 mins of the Tony's last night cause I think Neil Patrick Harris is a really funny dude and I wanted to see what he came up with. What I was treated to was something better then I ever could have hoped for, and it had nothing to do with NPH.

After doing their part of the opening medley Poison lead singer Brett Michaels, of Rock of Love fame, is preening for the crowd like he just hit a walk off home run, meanwhile the rest of his band is scurrying back to get behind the falling set back drop, what happened next was comedy gold.......

Sex and the Senior Citizens

So i just saw the Sex and the City movie. I couldn't believe how long it was. It was like an opus to aging metropolitan women everywhere. I was like 50 mins into it when the wedding broke up, and I thought to myself, "oh there's probably like a half hour left." After checking the cable guide I realized that there was almost two hours left. Was that really a story we couldn't sum up in 90 mins?

I love how single girls rally around these characters and the movie. What did this movie really say? Basically, no matter how shitty we treat you, you will always come back. And if a woman wants to keep her "perfect guy" she better do what he wants. Big didn't want the large wedding, Carrie did. He didn't show, she came back to him, they got married in city hall after she realized it was all her fault that he didn't show. Steve cheats on Miranda, by the third act Carrie is telling Miranda that she messed up her marriage. The one guy in the movie/series who did everything right and never mistreated his woman was Samantha's dude Smith. She left him. Proving again to men everywhere that no matter how good looking or rich you are, if you don't treat your woman like crap every once in a while they will stray or leave you. And every girl in Manhattan loved this movie. Amazing.

What it's all about...

Certain west coast rappers would say it's all about you. But really it's all about me, and bad television, and my thoughts on bad television. I watch lots of it and sometimes it needs to be discussed or written about. I enjoy reading websites like EW.com, but there just isn't enough discussion of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge there and that is unacceptable to me.

Here is what is annoying me tonight. Keep in mind that not all the television I watch is quite this bad, however, I'm a celebrity..get me out of here. Yes, it is as awful as you would expect. I thought I would give it a try the first night it was on and got semi-hooked when the delusional Spencer Pratt called Ben Silverman (head of NBC) and said that the other cast members on the show were so lame that they were "devaluing his fame". The sad thing is if you look at who else was there, he was kind of right. There were three people there I had never heard of and that's before you get to former NBA-back up John Salley, reality tv journey-man Steven Baldwin, and his now less famous brother Daniel, and America's favorite sexually ambiguous mohawk, Sanjaya.

What annoys me about the show now is that Hedi and Spencer quit on that first night cause they didn't want to live in the jungle, then immediately decided they wanted to come back to the show. (By "immediately" obviously I mean after they spent the night in the production hotel.) Since then its been three days of will they or will not they allow these two back on the show. While they are discussing it the remaining cast members are doing gross things, living in the jungle and getting voted off. Meanwhile, Spencer and Hedi are just chilling. They are getting 100% of the press for the show with everyone talking about their possible return, yet they are avoiding all the gross shit that the other quasi-celebs are doing every day. I hate it when douche bags like Spencer end up winning but he is getting exactly what he wanted, tons of press without any of the jungle living bull shit. He is like an evil genius and it bothers the fuck out of me that he gets away with it.

Also a random tangent, four days ago I watched Jamer Nelson tell a side line reporter that he might not be ready for training camp next season which is in FOUR MONTHS. Yet here I sit just days later, watching him make a great pass in game one of the NBA finals. I can't remember this level of public deception since the last 10 mins of the crying game made me throw up in my mouth. And i'm not just bitter because I bet against the Magic in both of the last two series.

So there you go people, post number one. And that's what you are going to get. I'll start you off with a little VH1 reality talk and then hit you with the Yankees. Now i'm about to find out who is in the top 20 for this season of So You Think You Can Dance. And yes, i'm a fully heterosexual male, that is just a quality show. I make no apologies for it. Maybe next post we can discuss how poorly they treated Natalie during Vegas week.